Standing at the counter, giving my daughter the last of the milk, poured out of my own glass because that's all that's left in the house and she MUST have some, I realized something. There are so many little things, like this simple milk sacrifice, that she'll never really know about. So many things I gave up or did, just for her. Just because I love her.
No child knows, or ever fully understands, all their mom does or went
through for them. Though, we moms really wish they would. Maybe they'll
get it when they're older. Maybe. It's all stuff moms hold inside,
memories an feelings that make us the moms we are.
You'll never know how much I wanted you and how afraid I was that you'd never
come. How much I struggled monthly when, again, no matter how hard we
tried, there was no positive pregnancy test.
You'll never know how stunned I was when the pregnancy test FINALLY was
positive. Or how shocked I was with your brother because we weren't even
trying, yet there it was, even though I'd been sick as hell the last
time I ovulated. The doctor was amazed, too. Your brother seriously
wanted to be born.
You'll never know that despite being shocked and stunned, I also had already
known I was pregnant the moment it happened. I just couldn't believe
that in 9 months, there would be you.
You'll never know how scared I was when, at 28 weeks pregnant, the doctor said
you probably had hydrops. Or how relieved I was when the specialist
told me, "WTF was the radiologist looking at?! That's skin! You're
supposed to have skin! Were they looking at the chubby cheeks? Gee, it
can't be normal at all for babies to have chubby cheeks, can it? The
radiologists your doctor works with are always messing shit up, freaking
people out, then sending them to me for no good reason!"
never know how certain I was about having a girl first then a boy. Long
before you even existed, mind you. Call me nuts, but I was right, down
to the month you'd both be born.
never know how much that 41 hour induced labor hurt. Seriously, at 37
hours in I was begging the doctor to make it stop after the failed
epidural that made it worse. Every single time I pushed, I asked her how
many more until it was over. You took your sweet time and wanted it
your way, that's for sure. That hasn't changed.
never know how special your name truly is. Or how wonderful the women
you were named after were as they died long before you were even born.
I'll tell you the stories someday, when you're older, but it won't do
them justice. They were amazing, just like you.
never know how much your father and I argued about what name to give
you. Your father seriously came up with some "creative" names. I still
hope to this day that he wasn't really serious about some of the ones he
suggested. He had to have been screwing with me.
You'll never know how much our lives truly changed completely after you were
born. From job, less money, and where we lived, to giving up time out
alone (what's date night?!), having "special adult time" often, and
parting with lazy days in bed, nothing is the same. I changed every
aspect of my life for you. And I'd do it again.
You'll never know how much your father and I fight because we both want what's
best for you. We just sometimes can't agree on how to do that.
You'll never know how absolutely insane you make me sometimes. Seriously, some
days I just want to take a month-long vacation. Alone. Far away. Before I rip out all my hair, scream so loud the neighbors think I'm going totally freaking insane, or start speaking parseltounge like Harry Potter.
Only, I wouldn't be speaking snake, I'd be spouting gibberish because of
the insanity spell you so rudely cast upon me.
You'll never know how I gave you the last slice of cake just because you asked
so cutely. I really wanted that cake, too. That cake took me 3 hours to
bake from scratch and I love cake. I wouldn't have given it up for
You'll never know how much I worry about being a good enough mom or how often I wonder if maybe I really am not all you deserve.
never know how crappy I felt every night we have a bad day. Yes, you
were being a total terror, breaking everything, absolutely out of
control, but I still feel bad for having yelled.
never know how much I sometimes just don't want to be touched, hung on,
climbed on, jabbed, poked, prodded and just want to be alone. Yet, I
miss you when you're not around and having you to hug and cuddle is
You'll never know how guilty I feel getting new clothes, even when I
really need them because my old ones are falling apart or don't fit
(yay, weight loss). Why the guilt? Because I feel like I'm taking
something away from you by spending on me.
You'll never know how much I long to hear you say, "I love you."
never know how you make life worth living. The years before you were
really just time spent waiting for you. Without you, life would feel
You'll never know how much you are worth all of this. And more. You'll always be my baby.