May 18, 2015

You'll Never Know

Standing at the counter, giving my daughter the last of the milk, poured out of my own glass because that's all that's left in the house and she MUST have some, I realized something. There are so many little things, like this simple milk sacrifice, that she'll never really know about. So many things I gave up or did, just for her. Just because I love her.

No child knows, or ever fully understands, all their mom does or went through for them. Though, we moms really wish they would. Maybe they'll get it when they're older. Maybe. It's all stuff moms hold inside, memories an feelings that make us the moms we are.

You'll never know how much I wanted you and how afraid I was that you'd never come. How much I struggled monthly when, again, no matter how hard we tried, there was no positive pregnancy test.

You'll never know how stunned I was when the pregnancy test FINALLY was positive. Or how shocked I was with your brother because we weren't even trying, yet there it was, even though I'd been sick as hell the last time I ovulated. The doctor was amazed, too. Your brother seriously wanted to be born. You'll never know that despite being shocked and stunned, I also had already known I was pregnant the moment it happened. I just couldn't believe that in 9 months, there would be you.

You'll never know how scared I was when, at 28 weeks pregnant, the doctor said
you probably had hydrops. Or how relieved I was when the specialist told me, "WTF was the radiologist looking at?! That's skin! You're supposed to have skin! Were they looking at the chubby cheeks? Gee, it can't be normal at all for babies to have chubby cheeks, can it? The radiologists your doctor works with are always messing shit up, freaking people out, then sending them to me for no good reason!"

You'll never know how certain I was about having a girl first then a boy. Long before you even existed, mind you. Call me nuts, but I was right, down to the month you'd both be born.

You'll never know how much that 41 hour induced labor hurt. Seriously, at 37 hours in I was begging the doctor to make it stop after the failed epidural that made it worse. Every single time I pushed, I asked her how many more until it was over. You took your sweet time and wanted it your way, that's for sure. That hasn't changed.

You'll never know how special your name truly is. Or how wonderful the women you were named after were as they died long before you were even born. I'll tell you the stories someday, when you're older, but it won't do them justice. They were amazing, just like you.

You'll never know how much your father and I argued about what name to give you. Your father seriously came up with some "creative" names. I still hope to this day that he wasn't really serious about some of the ones he suggested. He had to have been screwing with me.

You'll never know how much our lives truly changed completely after you were born. From job, less money, and where we lived, to giving up time out alone (what's date night?!), having "special adult time" often, and parting with lazy days in bed, nothing is the same. I changed every aspect of my life for you. And I'd do it again.

You'll never know how I worry about every. little. thing. because I want you to be happy, healthy, and live a long life filled with love.

You'll never know how much your father and I fight because we both want what's best for you. We just sometimes can't agree on how to do that.

You'll never know how absolutely insane you make me sometimes. Seriously, some days I just want to take a month-long vacation. Alone. Far away. Before I rip out all my hair, scream so loud the neighbors think I'm going totally freaking insane, or start speaking parseltounge like Harry Potter. Only, I wouldn't be speaking snake, I'd be spouting gibberish because of the insanity spell you so rudely cast upon me.

You'll never know how I gave you the last slice of cake just because you asked so cutely. I really wanted that cake, too. That cake took me 3 hours to bake from scratch and I love cake. I wouldn't have given it up for anyone else.

You'll never know how much I worry about being a good enough mom or how often I wonder if maybe I really am not all you deserve.

You'll never know how crappy I felt every night we have a bad day. Yes, you were being a total terror, breaking everything, absolutely out of control, but I still feel bad for having yelled.

You'll never know how much I sometimes just don't want to be touched, hung on, climbed on, jabbed, poked, prodded and just want to be alone. Yet, I miss you when you're not around and having you to hug and cuddle is absolutely amazing.

You'll never know how guilty I feel getting new clothes, even when I really need them because my old ones are falling apart or don't fit (yay, weight loss). Why the guilt? Because I feel like I'm taking something away from you by spending on me.​

You'll never know how much I long to hear you say, "I love you."

You'll never know how you make life worth living. The years before you were really just time spent waiting for you. Without you, life would feel empty.​

You'll never know how much you are worth all of this. And more. You'll always be my baby.



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19 comments:

  1. This is one of the main reasons I blog, and why I'm so passionate about photography. I may not point out the sacrificed milk, but it allows me to capture (in some small way) the "little things" that make our life so amazing.

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  2. I was just talking to my husband about this. About all those little things we do out of love. And we do & always will.

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  3. This made me think of my daughter, but also my mom too. We can never know the sacrifices of another. But I hope it encourages to give back. And you're right, every bit of it is worth it to watch our children grow and flourish.

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  4. This is such a beautiful post!
    Your little girl will treasure it one day.

    It is true we give up so much for them, but we get so much in return.

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  5. What a beautiful post. I have always felt the same way about our daughter, she is my entire life, and I don't regret giving anything up for her in a minute. That's what parenting is all about :-)

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  6. Interesting to think about and makes me value everything parents did for me.

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  7. This was so beautiful! I don't think I realized some of the little things my own mom did for me until I became a mother myself.

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  8. This makes me all misty! I'm exactly like you in that I'll totally sacrifice for the kids whether they realize it or not. This is lovely!

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  9. I loved every inch of each and every word in this post. Related so much. I knew he was boy. I kept trying to hold off so he would be born under a sign. I couldn't predict that part. He came on his time. Oh, and the cake. I am mad lover of cake. But, I would do the same thing. Give it away. This was beautiful and from the heart, and most of all, it poured out honesty.

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  10. Beautiful words! Hopefully one day she will know when she has her own kids!

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  11. Love is a beautiful thing. Thank you for sharing this.

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  12. I don't know how I haven't lost weight with all of the food my kids eat off of my plate.

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  13. Oooo what a wonderful post!
    I hope your kids get to ready it one day.

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  14. I remember when I was small & being difficult mum used to tell me You will understand what am feeling or going through only when you have a kid of your own. Now that I have my own i can very well relate & as a matter of fact be more considerate & understanding to all this you have so wonderfully put across. Yet I love every part of being a mom :)

    learningmamma.blogspot.in

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  15. Thanks so much for linking up at MeetUp Monday! Hope to see you again tomorrow!
    --Krista
    www.thequinntessentialmommy.com

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  16. I loved this. Your words moved me to tears. I can relate to most of this and felt the passion in your writing. Beautiful!

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  17. This is everything I feel as a mom. Your blog is great. I wish I was as craftastic as you!

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Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. As a busy mom, I'm not always able to respond to each one, though I read and appreciate them all.